As many of you might know. I’m a psychic. Yes, that’s right. What’s that? Where’s the evidence? Uh… WHERE’S YOUR EVIDENCE THAT’S I’M NOT? There. Yeah, that’s the ticket.
Anyway, I will now predict what will happen throughout this year in separate, discrete categories.
Definite Hits
1. A couple tens of thousands of comets will hit the earth’s atmosphere and burn up due to the rapid compression of air heating up in front of the object, causing it to break apart.
2. A new flu will have evolved and it will kill a couple thousand people in the United States alone.
3. The Pope will not stop spouting lies about condoms and will condemn many millions more in Africa to contract HIV and various other STDs, which will lead to death.
4. The anti-vaccination movement still continues on, causing even further measles outbreaks throughout the US and other countries, which will eventually lead to even more deaths.
5. Another freaking big foot sighting.
6. Stupidity will still reign.
High Probability Hits
1. The economy will take a turn for the better.
2. We will find another hundred exoplanets.
3. More fossils will be found, at least one of which will be a so-called “missing link.”
4. A few more children will die because of their parents’ religious background.
5. A baby will lose heart function for a little while on Christmas day, but will regain heart function after a minute or two As a result the parents will call this a miracle even though all the thanks should go to the doctors.
6. Singapore will be hit with yet another tsunami.
Low Probability Hits
1. Obama will be shot, and death will be in his immediate future.
2. One of the comets predicted above will hit the city of New York on July 4, 2010 while a large group of people are out having barbecue and completely obliterate an apartment building with 22 floors that house around 200 families, causing, astonishingly, very few deaths, and they will tribute this as divine even though a number of people did indeed die.
3. The Discovery Institute will finally see the light of day and finally see that the best way to explain the wide diversity and variation in the species is due to evolution, not some diety.
4. I will stop being so lazy and go lose twenty pounds (fat chance!).
5. Yet another person will come up with a free-energy device, but nobody will fund it.
6. The Skeptologists will be picked up (Sadly, it’s probably not going to happen).
Of course, like all the other psychics, if it even remotely sounds like I made the correct prediction, that’s what I was going for.
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